The Biology of “Us vs. Them” or “How to become a lonely cynic.”
This is part 2 of exploring the “Why should I?” mentality. [Read part 1 here.]
What happens in your brain when someone frustrates you? More than you might think—and the consequences reach far beyond that single disagreement.
When we’re tired, busy, stressed, frustrated or feel wronged, our brains don’t just register disappointment. They activate ancient survival circuits, one consequence of which is to shift into “us versus them” framing. The circle of who counts as “one of us” suddenly gets much smaller—and without doing anything, that colleague or friend can find themselves relegated to an out-group.
This neurological shift is profound. Research shows that when we perceive someone as “other,” our capacity for empathy literally decreases. The same neural networks that help us understand and connect with people become less active. Meanwhile, our tolerance for being harsh, dismissive, or cruel toward them increases.
It’s as if our brain gives us permission to be our worst selves because they’re not really “one of us” anymore
This biological response served our ancestors well when facing genuine threats from rival tribes. In modern disagreements, it’s like using a sledgehammer to hang a picture frame.
Habits – again!
If you’ve been getting my posts for a while, you’ll know that brains are habit-forming monsters.
If this us-versus-them response is a frequently deployed way for you to handle conflict, you built this as your default, and you set yourself up for a shrinking world and growing isolation.
Each time you choose “Why should I?” over connection, you reinforce neural pathways that make disconnection easier and reconciliation harder. The pattern becomes self-reinforcing.
You habituate building walls instead of bridges. What starts as protecting your pride evolves into protecting your isolation. You become the person who’s always right but increasingly alone, surrounded by the ghosts of relationships you were too proud to repair.
The Cultural Impact
Scale this up and what happens to society or you organisation or family?
Organizations and communities run on cooperation—on countless small accommodations people make every day to extend grace, assume good intentions, and repair rather than replace relationships.
When individuals consistently choose to pull back rather than step in, the social fabric begins to thin. Culture—that invisible web of shared understanding and mutual support—starts to evaporate.
Joseph Heller captured this perfectly in Catch-22 through Yossarian’s logic:
Yossarian: “I don’t want to fly any more missions.”
Major Major: “But we need missions to win the war.”
Yossarian: “There are plenty of people to fly missions.”
Major Major: “What if everyone thought that way?”
Yossarian: “Then I’d be a damn fool to think any different.”
The Choice That Changes Everything
Every time you choose connection over separation, curiosity over certainty, you’re literally rewiring your brain. You’re building neural pathways that make collaboration easier and conflict less destructive.
You’re also modelling something essential for everyone around you: that it’s possible to disagree without dehumanizing, to be frustrated without building walls, to be right without being isolated, to be wrong without obstinance and with good humour.
Your brain will adapt to whatever you practice. The question is: what do you want to get better at?
The person who benefits most from choosing connection over conflict? Still you.