Those idiots! They are just out for themselves. They don’t care how they impact others….
Last week we focused on the corroding effect on our happiness from Comparison with others.
We see their visible successes and not their doubts, fears, the stresses it took to get there.
Another, similar idea but flipped, is well-known effect in cognitive psychology that shows we tend to judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. It is known as ‘attribution bias’. Like political spin, we imagine and attribute the worst possible malice and motive in the actions of others. And our actions are mitigated and cleansed with the best of possible motives.
They cut you off in traffic — they’re a bad, careless driver.
You cut someone off — you were running late, it was an emergency, you had good reason, and they ought to understand.
There are other versions of this same trick.
We attribute our own success to intelligence, effort, and skill. Theirs we quietly chalk up to timing, connections, or the school they went to. And when it comes to confidence —they seem born for it, naturally driven, never in doubt. We, on the other hand, had to work for everything and are privately full of doubt. So, clearly, they must have something we don’t.
The truth cuts both ways.
They’re probably not as confident as they look. You’re probably not as self-made as you feel. They’re probably not as malicious or cut-throat as you think. You’re probably not as honest and blameless as you tell yourself.
Over the past few weeks I’ve been circling the same idea from different angles — that we think in relative terms, and that objectivity takes a long second place. We compare upward and feel inadequate. We compare motives and feel righteous. Neither comparison is as reliable as it feels.
The corrective lens of humility applies in both directions.