There’s a moment we all know too well.
Someone says something—your mother-in-law, your uncle, that colleague—and you feel an argument loading.
You’re tired, they’re tired, there is pressure, everyone’s dialled up, and you’re about to say the thing you’ll regret.
If you don’t want to engage in the discussion (and at family/social gatherings this is probably the best strategy), here’s a circuit breaker you could try.
Four steps:
1. Pause Just stop. It won’t be nearly as long a gap in the conversation as you think.
2. Breathe slow (out first if possible) This isn’t woo-woo nonsense—it’s biofeedback. The brain is associative; the slow breath is associated with the feeling that things are okay.
When we’re stressed, our physiology changes—faster breathing, elevated heart rate. By deliberately slowing down, you’re sending your own brain a message that contradicts the rising anger.
3. Choose the higher ground Be kind and generous.
People have better intent than you think. They’re probably wrong by accident, and you’re not perfect either.
4. Deflect gracefully (aka, don’t feed the trolls) Instead of “Don’t be a _________!” or “I don’t want to talk about that” (which creates opposition), try:
“Let me think about that. What else is going on in your world?”
Charlie Chaplin had it right: “Talk when you’re angry and you make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”
We’ve all been there and we can all do better.